Since the beginning of time, there have been poor people. But thanks to Obama’s Great Recession of 2008 (Thanks, Obama!), there are even more poor around sucking up our tax dollars. And many of these poor people don’t even LOOK that poor to begin with – their clothes fit and they have cell phones! This just puts the bees in my bonnet. They need to get a job even if the economy isn’t improving as fast as everyone would like. So I’ve gone ahead and compiled a list of the right ways to live like a poor person if you suddenly find yourself as one of them so that strangers would know that you actually are poor and deserving of welfare and not some bum mooching off the government:
1. Trade in the car you had just finished paying off before your job was shipped overseas for an old beater that will break down every few months. You can’t drive around a car where all the sections of the frame are the same color!
2. Sell all your nice clothes along with that car (car dealers need clothes too) in exchange for torn, ratty clothing. Nobody will believe that you’re poor if your clothes don’t have unintentional holes/stains on them.
3. Get rid of your phone, any phone! You’re not allowed to have one, even if it’s your only way of staying in contact with family and potential employers.
4. Get rid of your TV, Xbox and/or computer that you bought when you had a job or were given by others. You can’t entertain yourself at home. Abraham Lincoln did just find with a candle.
5. When you’re at the grocery store, make sure you get your purchases approved by the other people in line with you. They pay for your food so they can control what you buy and they don’t want you buying 20lbs of lobster every night.
6. Don’t buy healthy food, junk food or anything that may be considered a food item. Don’t know what you can buy? Refer to rule number 5.
7. Do you still have regular home appliances? Well, get rid of them already! You can’t heat up your Ramen when you don’t have a job. Only people with jobs can do that.
8. Have all your tattoos you’ve had for years removed, or people will think you’re spending all of your welfare check on tattoos.
9. Sell your house and live in a box. Poor people don’t have houses. Anything nicer than a shanty is a slap in the face to taxpayers!
10. Don’t register to vote. Moochers like you don’t have enough skin in the game to get a say in how the country should be run. You can’t be trusted any more.
This list is easy enough for any truly poor person to follow. And besides, there are, like, starving children somewhere in some dumb country – one of those places Jackie from Roseanne always visits and cries about– so you’re not supposed to feel sorry for yourself because of those kids or something. If you have any questions, contact your local corporate welfare-queens who are pros at getting tons of government assistance.
Photo credit: Walker Evans, photographer.