All reports indicate President Obama is considering bombing Syria as punishment for using chemical weapons against civilians instead of shooting them with guns like civilized tyrants do.
Of course, as we all know, Obama is never right about anything, so he must be wrong about this. Many prominent conservative thinkers and leaders have stepped up to explain what is wrong with Obama’s plan, determine if there are any sinister motives afoot, and also suggest what the proper course of action should be.
Donald Rumsfeld: “Obama hasn’t made the case for how bombing Syria is in our national interest. I mean, has he even bothered to pretend that Syria was involved in 9/11? It’s like he can’t even be bothered to lie to the American people.”
Paul Ryan: “Should we really be talking about bombing? That costs money, money we need to kickstart the economy by giving tax breaks to hedge fund managers.”
Alex Jones: “Is Obama using Syria as a pretext for eliminating another rival in the Muslim world, just like he killed Bin Laden so he could take over Al Qaeda?”
Sarah Palin: Look, it’s one thing to invade a country because they have oil, but I don’t know why Obama wants to bomb a country just because they have some fancy wine like Syria.
Dick Cheney: “Just bombing? Is he mad? I don’t see anything in Obama’s plan for Haliburton or Blackwater.”
Rep. Steve King: “Why should we care if they are killing other arabs? I’m not wasting one U.S. bomb on Syria unless a white person is in danger.”
John McCain: “We need to do SOMETHING in Syria, so let’s shock-and-awe, Mission Accomplished, quagmire, Surge, abandon. The perfect plan!”
Mitch McConnell: “Bombing is wrong, we should be invading. Drones, missiles and bombs are taking jobs from Real American soldiers.”
Marco Rubio: “Why bomb Syria? Couldn’t we just put them under Obamacare for a month until they surrender?”
Donald Trump: “Why are we bombing Syria? Can’t we just undermine Assad with rumors about his birth and college transcripts?”
Rand Paul: “Sure, we should do something about Syria. Put our heads in the sand, that’s what.”
Mitt Romney: “Obama should forget the bombs and just send me over to Syria to do a leveraged buyout and layoff Assad. Plus I’d make a ton of money from management fees before the bankruptcy. I’m sure Bain will give the government a good rate.”
And let us not forget that Obama should consult with Congress on this, which he has not done. John Boehner has some questions, and once he gets answers, he will just do nothing and let his caucus scream crazy things at him like always.