In a private release party at the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco last night, Steve Jobs (yes, he’s still alive– he faked his death to avoid paying the extra 4.6% in marginal income taxes Obama has imposed) announced the new iPhone 5S Gold, which is available only to the top 1% of the 1%. Entry to the event was only granted to those who flew in on their own private plane, and even those who live nearby in Palo Alto were required to takeoff and circle a few times to prove their worthiness.
The iPhone 5S Gold is really so much more than a phone. It has all the amenities that a member of the ruling elite takes for granted– phone, internet, email, text, camera, calendar, tax shelters, influence peddling– plus a number of exclusive features not available to mere millionaires. And these features are all standard:
Plus there’s a new, exclusive feature we’ve all wanted. Anyone can fake a call to get out of an uncomfortable situation, but let’s be honest, everyone knows that happens, and the other person may have a question mark about you being a jerk. The new iPhone 5S Gold service allows you to press a button and your GPS finds the phone nearest to you, alerts a call center, and then phones THAT PERSON with some urgent news that causes THEM to cut the conversation short. Charlie Sheen has been asking for this feature for years, though his choice of name was not selected (Hooker, It’s Time To Go Home). This new feature is called Make Them Go Away.
So, as you can see, it’s a great new phone for plutocrats, and you should make sure to upgrade right away. And remember, if you need to ask how much it costs, you can’t afford it.